5 Common Relationship Patterns Linked to Attachment Theory and How to Overcome Them

“Why do I always pick the one that leaves when things get tough?!” 

“Why do I always pick the one that is emotionally unavailable?” 

“Why do I always pick the one that isn’t ready for a relationship?”

I’m not sure if you’ve ever found yourself saying something like this, but I am sure this is something I hear plenty during therapy sessions with my clients.

Relationships are hard. As a therapist who provides couples therapy in the Kansas City area, I frequently hear, “This is how it always goes! They just shut down and when I try to get closer to them, they end up walking off. We can’t ever seem to resolve anything, no matter how hard I try!”

Many of us find ourselves in relationship pattern ruts, making the same moves over and over, even when we know how it ends. This can leave us feeling a wide range of emotions. Sometimes we feel confused or frustrated. Other times we can feel helpless or ashamed. It can feel crazy-making! Like a whirlwind, no matter how hard you try to hold on, you’re tossed around unpredictably and left dizzy, struggling to find your footing.

If any of this resonates with you, it is likely that you have some unresolved early attachment wounds. To learn more about attachment wounds and patterns, take a quick pause to read this blog first, then come back here.

The crazy thing about those unresolved attachment wounds is that throughout childhood, we learned some strategies to try to soothe those wounds, which show up in our relationships throughout our lives. As an adult, whether you are going through a breakup, getting a divorce, or seeking couples therapy, recognizing the relationship patterns you find yourself stuck in can help demystify what’s going on.

Here are 5 common relationship patterns of interactions that you might find yourself mixed up in.

1. The Pursuer-Distancer Pattern

PURSUER

One partner may be seeking more closeness, connection, or engagement, often expressing frustration or disappointment when their needs are not met.

DISTANCER

The other partner might withdraw or pull away, possibly due to feeling overwhelmed, suffocated, or needing space.

This pattern can lead to a cycle where the pursuer's attempts to connect push the distancer further away. It’s like an exhausting game of cat and mouse.

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2. The Attack-Withdraw Pattern

ATTACKER

One partner may engage in criticism, blame, or demand for change, often from a place of hurt or frustration.

WITHDRAWER

The other partner might respond by shutting down, avoiding conflict, or withdrawing emotionally.

This pattern can lead to a cycle where the withdrawer’s avoidance can leave the attacker feeling unheard and more frustrated, reigniting the attacks.

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3. The Freeze-Disengage Pattern

FREEZER

One partner may become emotionally stuck or immobilized, struggling to express or process their emotions, often due to fear or a sense of helplessness.

DISENGAGER

The other partner might feel frustrated or disconnected from this freeze response and might withdraw or disengage emotionally.

This pattern can lead to a continued feeling of disconnection from both partners.

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4. The Critical-Defensive Pattern

CRITICAL PARTNER

One partner may engage in frequent criticism or negative feedback, aiming to correct or address perceived problems.

DEFENSIVE PARTNER

The other partner might become defensive or justify their actions.

This pattern can lead to a cycle which can escalate conflict and prevent effective communication or resolution.

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5. The Overfunctioner-Underfunctioner Pattern

OVERFUNCTIONER

One partner might take on too many responsibilities or try to control situations excessively, often due to a need to feel valued or in control.

UNDERFUNCTIONER

The other partner might be less responsive or involved, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy or overwhelm.

This pattern can create a cycle of imbalance and frustration.

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If any of those patterns hit home for you, take comfort in knowing that you are not alone! The late Sue Johnson dedicated her career to researching these patterns and developing Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help break these negative cycles.

The EFT approach to therapy can help partners:

• Recognize and Validate: Understand and validate each other's emotions and needs.

• Reframe Interactions: Change the way partners interact with each other by addressing their attachment needs and responses.

• Create Secure Bonds: Develop a stronger, more secure emotional bond through open communication and emotional responsiveness.

By focusing on these emotional patterns and working to create a more secure attachment, EFT aims to help couples build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

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If you are in Kansas or the KC Metro and you would like to explore your relationship patterns in therapy, I would love to connect with you. You can schedule a free telephone consultation today.