Understanding Attachment Styles: How They Shape Your Relationships and How to Improve Them
Do you ever find yourself cruising down the road only to realize you are absolutely slaying the Katy Perry lyrics, “You’re hot then you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no, you’re in then you’re out, you’re up then you’re down!” Just me?
Well, if it’s not Katy Perry, then I bet there is another song that describes a relationship pattern you have found yourself tangled up in, and singing your heart out has reminded you that you aren’t the only one with those experiences.
As a therapist, there are times when my clients have a hard time describing their difficult experiences. Sometimes, we turn to music lyrics because the way someone else describes it perfectly sums up how we feel about our own relationships.
If you notice yourself passionately singing songs that remind you of the relational pattern rut you find yourself stuck in, there’s a good chance that you have a teensy, tiny, smidgeroni of unresolved early attachment wound or trauma. Let’s take a moment to explore what that means.
Understanding attachment styles can help you improve relationships by providing you with insight into your behaviors and emotions.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Think of attachment as the emotional bond we form with important people in our lives, like our partners, family, or close friends. It’s like our internal map for how we connect with others.
Some important questions you might ask yourself to begin exploring your attachment beliefs are:
Do I believe relationships are safe?
Do I believe others will be here for me?
Do I believe I am worthy of love?
The way you answer these questions will be heavily influenced by what life was like for you as a kid. If things were difficult when you were a kid, there is a chance that you have an insecure attachment.
I know, you’re already thinking, “This doesn’t sound good!” Trust me, while insecure attachment can create some challenges for you to overcome in your adult relationships, I 100% believe you’ve got the moxie to overcome it.
Insecure Attachment
Insecure attachment often starts with early experiences in childhood, where a child’s need for security and comfort isn’t consistently met by their caregivers. Imagine a baby who reaches out for comfort and sometimes gets it, but other times is left alone or met with frustration. Over time, this inconsistency can lead the child to develop a sense of uncertainty about whether they can rely on others to be there when they need them.
As these children grow, their early experiences shape how they view relationships. For instance, a child who received inconsistent care might become anxious in their adult relationships, constantly seeking reassurance and fearing abandonment. On the other hand, if a child learned that their needs were often ignored, they might develop an avoidant attachment style, keeping others at a distance to protect themselves from potential disappointment. These early patterns set the stage for how individuals handle intimacy, trust, and connection throughout their lives.
There are three types of Insecure Attachment:
1. Anxious Attachment
Let’s imagine I have a client named Alex who has an Anxious Attachment. Alex really craves closeness and reassurance in their adult relationships. They also have a deep fear of abandonment or rejection. When Alex is in a relationship, they pay close attention to whether or not their partner is showing interest in them, noticing when their partner doesn’t text back or check in on them. When Alex notices less signs of their partner showing interest, they get very anxious and begin to worry their partner is abandoning them. This is absolutely terrifying for Alex because they deeply want to be worthy of love.
Alex has high sensitivity to a partner’s moods, they frequently need reassurance or validation, and they are sometimes described by others as clingy. In their relationship, Alex is feeling pretty dependent on their partner and they sometimes have increased conflict with their partner who feels a bit overwhelmed.
Many of the Alexs in my office have had similar childhood experiences. They needed to behave in certain ways to draw the attention of their parents to have their emotional needs attuned to. They learned many different strategies like people-pleasing, being a perfectionist, acting out, or some other external ways to be noticed. An internalized belief began to form that relationships are not safe, I can’t trust others to be there for me, and if I work hard enough to get you to love me, then maybe I’m worthy of love.
2. Avoidant Attachment
Now let’s imagine I have a client named Charlie who has an Avoidant Attachment. Charlie values independence and self-sufficiency. They tend to keep an emotional distance from others and tell me their friends talk about the walls they have in place when things get vulnerable. Charlie is a bit reluctant to express emotion, they have a tendency to withdraw during conflicts, and they feel uncomfortable with intimacy and closeness. Charlie tells me they are quite content to go all day without checking in with their partner. This sometimes makes it difficult for Charlie to feel emotionally connected to their partner and they find it challenging to form deep, lasting bonds.
If Charlie and Alex were partnered, Charlie would likely become overwhelmed by Alex’s need for connection, and then Charlie would shut down or withdraw physically or emotionally.
Many of the Charlies in my office grew up with parents who were unresponsive or emotionally unavailable to their needs. They learned pretty quickly that no matter how loud they got, their parent wasn’t able to comfort them in the way they needed comfort. Their parents might have been overbearing or critical and at times they may have discouraged the Charlies from expressing emotions. The Charlies internalized this experience with a belief that relationships are not safe, they cannot trust others to be there for them, and they are worthy of love.
3. Disorganized Attachment
For our final Insecure Attachment, let’s imagine a client named Taylor who has a Disorganized Attachment. Taylor really struggles with relationships. Taylor tends to end up in unhealthy relationships and behaves erratically. They have a fear of intimacy, and while they desire closeness, they also push people away. In fact, their friends have told them those Katy Perry lyrics may have been written with Taylor in mind. Taylor’s attachment style tends to create instability and unpredictability in relationships, often causing significant emotional turmoil.
When looking at the childhood of my Taylors, we often find they had parents who were physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive. Their caregiving they received during childhood was inconsistent or traumatic which led to a lot of confusion about relationships. My little Taylors needed their parents around because children need adults for basic survival, yet they got a conflicting message that their parents were not safe. The internalized belief Taylors absorbed from their childhood is that relationships are not safe, others are untrustworthy, and they are not worthy of love.
Secure Attachment
Now, if there is something called Insecure Attachment I know you were assuming there was going to be a Secure Attachment on the side. Here it is!
Let’s imagine I have a client named Riley who has a Secure Attachment. Riley has stable relationships that are characterized by healthy communication and trust. They are quite comfortable with intimacy, they are able to maintain a balance between closeness and independence, and they use effective communication strategies. Riley doesn’t worry when their partner is preoccupied with other things. Honestly, Riley feels like their relationship are fulfilling, stable, and resilient.
My Rileys tend to have grown up with caregivers who were able to be consistent in attuning to Riley’s physical and emotional needs. The Rileys had parents who were supportive of them exploring their independence while also being available when comfort was needed. My Rileys had the opportunity to make mistakes without their parents being critical or shutting down their emotional experiences. The internalized belief Rileys took in is that relationships are safe, they can trust others to be there for them, and they are worthy of love.
“Angie, I fall under the Insecure Attachment heading! Am I totally screwed?”
I’m so glad you asked! Fear not, my dear. There is one more attachment we haven’t explored yet. But before we go there, I want to say that even if it feels like your parents totally screwed you up, the eternal optimist in me believes that most parents did the best they could at the time with the skills they had in the moment. Heck, they have their own attachment wounds and trauma that inform how they are able to show up in relationships. Generational transmission of relational patterns and trauma is a thing, and the blame game won’t fix any of it.
Okay, I’ll hop off my mini soapbox now. Onto the Earned Secure Attachment which can carve the path of healing those old attachment wounds and traumas. Walking the path toward Earned Secure Attachment can help individuals and couples grow into meaningful, safe, and fulfilling relationships.
Earned Secure Attachment
This attachment style is developed through self-awareness and therapeutic work, often by individuals who had insecure attachments in their early lives. Individuals with earned secure attachment might exhibit secure attachment behaviors even though they initially had a different attachment style. While they might have had challenges in the past, developing an earned secure attachment can lead to healthier relationships as well as greater personal growth.
How the heck does someone develop an Earned Secure Attachment? Well, it can happen in a few different ways. There are some basic skills that can be learned to help move you along the path such as self-awareness and communication skills. Recognizing your own attachment style empowers you to begin recognizing the patterns you have. Practicing effective communication and emotional regulation techniques can help mitigate some of the behavioral reactions of those insecure attachment styles.
Now, for my favorite way to develop an Earned Secure Attachment. There is research and science to support this, but for the sake of razzle dazzle we are going to call this insecure attachment antidote magical. The magic ingredient is called a corrective emotional experience. We can literally heal the wounded parts of our brain through corrective emotional experiences!
These experiences can happen in the wild when you find yourself in a relationship with a healthy partner who is there for you when you need them and believes in you. When you mess up, they don’t criticize you, they address it with effective communication. You start to learn that relationships are safe, others are trustworthy, you are worthy of love.
These experiences can happen in couples therapy with a qualified therapist. The therapist can help you learn about one another's attachment styles and the attachment wounds you carry that have made things difficult in the relationship. With the support of the therapist, you and your partner can slow down the pattern and really learn to attune to the emotional needs of one another, slowly but surely healing those old attachment wounds.
Finally, these experiences can happen in individual therapy with an attuned therapist. That careful attunement to your emotional needs, communication needs, and boundary needs over the course of the therapeutic relationship can facilitate corrective emotional experiences. A therapist who has been trained in Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy provides individuals with tools and insights to improve their emotional well-being, enhance their relationships, and develop a more secure and fulfilling sense of self.
Exploring your own attachment style can be a transformative journey towards understanding yourself and improving your relationships. By recognizing how your early experiences shape your current interactions, you can uncover patterns that might be holding you back and discover new ways to connect more deeply with others. Taking the time to understand your attachment style opens the door to healthier relationship dynamics, allowing you to build stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people who matter most. Embrace this opportunity for growth and consider seeking support or engaging in practices that foster emotional awareness and resilience—your future self and your relationships will thank you.
Ready to enhance your relationships and explore your attachment style? Reach out for personalized therapy in Kansas or the Kansas City Metro to start your journey towards deeper connection and lasting change. Schedule a free consultation.
